Fleeting Illusions: May 2009

Heard about it at work, I didn’t feel a thing. Went and checked the news online and even with the newsflash with a huge picture of the man himself right in front of me, I felt this awkwardness, slight uncomfortableness. Should I be celebrating something? At home right now, went through a bit of local news on tv, heard about all the ‘events’ from several sources and I still feel the same. I don’t understand the crackers or all the jubilant fb status updates. Rather I can’t relate to them. And I can’t place this feeling. Does this hesitant feeling label an unpatriotic? They say it’s over, but why don’t I feel it’s over? The doubt. Fuelled by years of conditioning, has it rendered me feelingless or is this apathy at its core?

Plus how can we be lighting crackers, dancing around when they are several hundred thousands of people only with the clothing in their body suffering up north?

I don’t want to be an armchair politician. I don’t even talk about this with anyone yet alone assert any opinion. Just penning down my thoughts at a day our country declared the bloodshed is over. Whether it’s really over from today, we will only know with time.

The barricades will have to come down. The divisions of a them and us in paper and in mind, will have to dissolve and everyone should be able to treat everyone else with dignity, trust and respect. And all those people who have suffered at both ends?, the real challenge would be winning them over. Wining their hearts and minds to put the past behind and live together in peace. I think I will feel truly a one nation, when I see this happening..

So now that I am toiling in the chilly air-conditioning drinking free coffee and milo and contributing to the GDP of Sri Lanka by staring at a big rectangular object and judging a few unfortunate individuals on what they during their day looking at a slightly smaller rectangular contraption + misleading few filthy-rich westerners on what to do with their illegally earned green, I have been very affectionately labeled a corporate-bastard by the not-so-cynical-gone-all-soft-one (she’s looking at baby products in Arpico I hear). Her whores are her men!

On a mental check, I still haven’t gone all bastardly on anyone, even though I was given a chance few weeks back. My first ever ‘difficulty’ was a brat with a too big of an ego on his shell of a head, sending me irritating text messages on whether I am deserving to be his friend or not. Seriously. I found myself with my mouth open in disbelief immediately followed by flames shooting out my ears for the first few instances of these hysterical ‘friendship episodes’. The cheek of the guy, to base his ‘debate’ coz I didn’t reply a sms on whether I am on his school’s side or not for some stupid bigmatch GIVEN that I never even tried to BE his friend and I am his immediate boss! After a few patient replies I realized I am talking to a complete dickhead and then it became a source of entertainment minus a few instances of me grinding my teeth and being all civil to him while strangling him blue in my head. I was sincerely concerned in the beginning, given that this is the first time I am in charge of a group of people in a corporate level, but I am allergic to bullshit and arrogance, especially coming from a kid who thinks he can become the company CEO within 3 months! (well he said he wanted to get promoted to my level in a few months which got me laughing hysterically (thank god in my head) coz sonny with your attitude, you wont be going anywhere for sometime).

Not trying to scratch my own back here, but I am quite a nice person ‘generally’ :P even to the people I can’t stand I CAN be civil upto a level. But this was pushing the limit over the line and the equator and the bloody sun. And what frustrated me to a level that I am writing this right now is that I joined this place thinking I’ll get exposure to some real issues, not melodramatic highschool comedy!

That done, I’m still getting used to waking up so damn early (6am!) and following a routine. Not having been in a routine for almost 4 years, it’s a good feeling since I perform best when in routine. Which also means uni-life was one whole tangled up mess which I am quite proud of actually.

Now why did I title this post time??

Not quite sure, but I think it’s because this post was meant to be something about how time has being zipping past. People I know are popping out babies and I wonder why?! To realize I am not as 22 as I think I am (and isn’t it strange how many I’s are there in this para? ) I still can’t imagine myself married yet alone cleaning poop and wiping cute asses. But yea recently I’ve been wanting the whole TLC side of things of having a boyfriend and to be honest sometimes it sucks. Today morning was such and such, but a group of 10 year old brats cheered me up by bullying me. I think they help me more than I am helping them to learn. I manage to de-stress by shouting and screaming at them and end up laughing when they just sit their grinning. Impossible but very sweet, most of them.

I just read through what I have typed and if anyone got through to this point, I am sorry. Everything I want to say is coming through too fast to get hold of and sort out and I jsut HAD to type ‘em all. I need to do this writing business more often than this. But time?!

Ooh btw..