Torn..

It's funny really how everything can change in the blink of an eye. Feelings of euphoric happiness, completely erased by a simple mistake. Or what I like tho consider a mistake as I doubt other people would. It's Ironic how ones sense of selfworth is completely destroyed with a simple gesture. A simple statement. I'm currently on a rollercoaster of highs and lows, my highest being that of a mole hill. Things are going from bad to worse and back up again...

I could be in the largest crowd, and I would still feel loneliness down to the deepest chambers of my heart. I could be showered with torrents of adoration and affection and love, and still I would feel nothing but worthlessness. My confidence ripped from me and shattered on the rocks below. My feet placed at the very edge, arms thrown out and head hung low; my dead eyes watching as emotions I once reveled in drain from my torn heart like my life's blood...

My heart is torn. A hand on either side, ripped at the seems. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season, for this I gave up trying. It's like every day I try to go no where, most of the time I just break down and cry. I feel empty, yet somehow satisfied. Heartless and cruel. Uncaring, Unseeing. I lost what I care about most, and ended up lost myself whilst looking for them. A dark, endless road lies ahead. No light to guide my way. Blindly stumbling into what is unknown. I fear nothing. Yet so scared...

My own heart an endless abyss. A black chasm from whence there is no return. Sometimes I feel that's where I've lost myself. In that black chasm, which I thought I knew so well. It seems to be never ending. Endless darkness. A darkness which grips at you and consumes you. You care about nothing, nothing cares about you. You are nothing. Just like me..
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I summarized my feelings and put it out on words, made it perfect. Word perfect. But for what? Where do I go on to from this entry? Torn..

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ps- While I was writing on this blog, I remembered one of the older blogs I had on LiveJournal, few years back. Kottu and the SL blogsphere were non-existent then. Or I think. And out of curiosity, I revived it up, and went through it. The above writing was taken from it. It managed to shock me. Given that I wrote in that blog during a very dark period in my life, I found a morbid, dark, almost suicidal person. I can actually admit it to myself now and talk openly about it, and I can see how far I've come and how hard it was. But I am glad now that, that period is tucked away in an out of reach closet in my heart. I am a much better person today, happier and sunnier. I am more like who I am naturally, and not what I became trying to live life on other people's standards.

pss- This is very personal, I might take this down, if I feel like it. I just wanted to record this realization. I guess that's one advantage of keeping a blog, you can see how you grew and changed as years pass by. :)