suddenly find myself in the middle of so many getaways and events that I feel guilty about everything. It's too many good things to be happening at the same time. to me atleast. I've been out for the last 2 weekends. Was just invited to an excursion to Arugambay this weekend, where I already had planned to go for the perahera, and a birthday party sort of thing. Next weekend again 2 events, then again I plan to cancel on all of them. Suddenly feeling very antisocial. And the funny thing is all of them are with people I hardly know. Interesting change of personality from me, since I hardly hang out with strangers, though I've always tripped around the idea. The arugambay one is very very tempting, wish I had the freedom and peace of mind to just say yes and go. I've been such a grinch for the last 3 days that I myself wouldn't like to be with me! Then again I just might hide it from me as well. oh well.
I want to be a bubbly annoying rainbows and butterfly person sipping cute lady drinks.
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Monday, 2 February 2009
living with myself.
Can a person want some of the simplest things in life
yet make it all complex by wanting two polarized mutually exclusive versions at the same time?
Can a person converse so much with their everyday people, yet not reveal the most personal demons and dreams in their lives but appear to be doing so, just coz it's easier to define certain things ?
I've been told I am a provider. and a link that holds mutltitude of personalities together. I don't see it.
Sometime's I do give a shit. a lot! about every minute issue in other peoples lives that they wonder why I worry and what my hidden agenda is. I don't have one. it seems everybody out there has a underlying scheme for most 'friendly' interactions they have.
and there comes the times where I want to be left alone.
I do hate overkill. and being highly sensitive to the slightest inclination of deep human emotion that it wakes up my own demons.
I know. I don't make sense. I am not trying to. heck, I just need to vent it out.
yet make it all complex by wanting two polarized mutually exclusive versions at the same time?
Can a person converse so much with their everyday people, yet not reveal the most personal demons and dreams in their lives but appear to be doing so, just coz it's easier to define certain things ?
I've been told I am a provider. and a link that holds mutltitude of personalities together. I don't see it.
Sometime's I do give a shit. a lot! about every minute issue in other peoples lives that they wonder why I worry and what my hidden agenda is. I don't have one. it seems everybody out there has a underlying scheme for most 'friendly' interactions they have.
and there comes the times where I want to be left alone.
I do hate overkill. and being highly sensitive to the slightest inclination of deep human emotion that it wakes up my own demons.
I know. I don't make sense. I am not trying to. heck, I just need to vent it out.
Friday, 30 January 2009
Thursday, 29 January 2009
sing me a lovesong
Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie,
gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.Baby don't be blue, gonna make for you,
gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle.
Gonna be a pie from heaven above,
gonna be filled with strawberry love.
Baby don't you cry, gonna make a pie,
and hold you forever in the middle of my heart....
and hold you forever in the middle of my heart....
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Discovering Adam
I went. I climbed. I died and went to heaven. And climbed back down.
Was too tired to write about my sri padha adventure all these days, but now since me and my poor muscles are recovering (faster than expected) I have no reason to procrastinate.
How was it? Awesome & Worsome! :)
Started the climb all wrapped up in warm things, redbull cans and all smiles. I can do this. The couch potato without any exercise whatsoever for the last 5 months. CAN.DO.THIS. Starting time-2.10am
15 minutes later.
I was panting heavily. Imagine that. Before going I had this plan of documenting the track uphill by means of photographs. But few steps into the climb I forgot everything about anything. But all in all the first hour was good. We made good progress, even with my friend having gotten nauseous from the busride.
1.5 hours later..
Stopping every 25 steps or so. For a break of 3-4 minutes. My friend had slowed down. I actually didn't know it, until I turned back around and couldn't spot her anymore. I was advised to continue the climb without waiting for her, so climb I did. By this time my strategy was to climb to a point where I couldn't see the place/steps I took the previous break. It worked well.
2 hours later..
Are we there yet?????
how much further?
are those 3 lights the top?
Thank goodness one of the guys climbing alongside had done this climb before several times and knew all the right answers. the right answers=the right lies.
At this point the breaks were getting longer. Climbing at certain points included all four paws. Steps were getting steeper. Legs were starting to hurt. The little teahuts you come across every 20 minutes were crawled into with a welcome sigh.
3 hours later..
Tell me that is the peak pls! Why am I doing this to myself. why why why. (insert some swearing here and there)
The guys ( whom I got to know only that day) found it a little bit amusing I think.
Since it was night, we couldn't see the peak of the mountain but only the lights curving upward, and when you are climbing you can only see the lights upto a certain distance before it bends off. So you keep climbing thinking it's somewhere there, and poof. more lights appear. And you climb again. those lights were mocking me I tell you.
The plan was to reach the top before sunrise. It was 5am already and I was told we have about another 1.5 hour climb left. HOW!?!
We might miss the sunrise. noooh. climb the next 3 steps with newly gained motivation. stop. tiredness hits you and just feel like sleeping right there with the cold mountain air lulling you to sleep.
Around 1 hour later..
By this time I don't have the strength to speak. Even the guys are silent and all of us are focusing on getting to the top. somehow. before sunrise.
We can see the early rays of dawn. I loose track of time after this, and now it's a matter of surviving each 'oh-shit' corner and climbing the one step in front of you. each step is painful. Each ohshit corner dwindles any faith of reaching the stop. Ohshit corners was christened by a friend in the group, describing the reactions of the climbers when they make the turn on these corners. You see, by this time we are almost, right, at the top. you can hear the temple bells at the peak, you can see the beautiful scenery. And you see a flight of steps dissapppearing around a corner into a boulder and you think that's the top. You reach there with new found motivation. turn. 20 more steps await you. OH SHIT.
Believe me you, there are about 10,15 of such corners right at the top. It's painfullllllll.
The last few flight of steps you actually have to drag yourself up the very steep steps by holding on the both the railings and pushing with your arms as well. atleast I had to. gah.
Somehow. I did it. I made it before the sunrise. There was no cry of joy at the top coz there was no energy left for that. I found a comfortable solitary corner by myself (my friend hadn't reached yet) and waited. The pics will explain the sheer beauty of everything that followed I guess.
The sunrise left me speechless for good half an hour as I just sat there. It was peaceful. and everything seemed to come together, one of those perfect moments. I couldn't feel the tiredness anymore. The hopeless romantic that Iam, the old me would have been wondering how wonderful it would have been to share this moment with someone close. But surprisingly I wasn't even close to thinking that. For the first time in my life I was witnessing something so romantic and fantasy like, yet I was completely happy by myself high up there in the clouds.
The climb down was really painful. I mastered a new penguin walk, but it was all worth it in the end. I would definitely go again. And now I know, one day I just might be able to achieve my dream of climbing Mt.Kilimanjaro. All smiles =) =) =)
Was too tired to write about my sri padha adventure all these days, but now since me and my poor muscles are recovering (faster than expected) I have no reason to procrastinate.
How was it? Awesome & Worsome! :)
Started the climb all wrapped up in warm things, redbull cans and all smiles. I can do this. The couch potato without any exercise whatsoever for the last 5 months. CAN.DO.THIS. Starting time-2.10am
15 minutes later.
I was panting heavily. Imagine that. Before going I had this plan of documenting the track uphill by means of photographs. But few steps into the climb I forgot everything about anything. But all in all the first hour was good. We made good progress, even with my friend having gotten nauseous from the busride.
1.5 hours later..
Stopping every 25 steps or so. For a break of 3-4 minutes. My friend had slowed down. I actually didn't know it, until I turned back around and couldn't spot her anymore. I was advised to continue the climb without waiting for her, so climb I did. By this time my strategy was to climb to a point where I couldn't see the place/steps I took the previous break. It worked well.
2 hours later..
Are we there yet?????
how much further?
are those 3 lights the top?
Thank goodness one of the guys climbing alongside had done this climb before several times and knew all the right answers. the right answers=the right lies.
At this point the breaks were getting longer. Climbing at certain points included all four paws. Steps were getting steeper. Legs were starting to hurt. The little teahuts you come across every 20 minutes were crawled into with a welcome sigh.
3 hours later..
Tell me that is the peak pls! Why am I doing this to myself. why why why. (insert some swearing here and there)
The guys ( whom I got to know only that day) found it a little bit amusing I think.
Since it was night, we couldn't see the peak of the mountain but only the lights curving upward, and when you are climbing you can only see the lights upto a certain distance before it bends off. So you keep climbing thinking it's somewhere there, and poof. more lights appear. And you climb again. those lights were mocking me I tell you.
The plan was to reach the top before sunrise. It was 5am already and I was told we have about another 1.5 hour climb left. HOW!?!
We might miss the sunrise. noooh. climb the next 3 steps with newly gained motivation. stop. tiredness hits you and just feel like sleeping right there with the cold mountain air lulling you to sleep.
Around 1 hour later..
By this time I don't have the strength to speak. Even the guys are silent and all of us are focusing on getting to the top. somehow. before sunrise.
We can see the early rays of dawn. I loose track of time after this, and now it's a matter of surviving each 'oh-shit' corner and climbing the one step in front of you. each step is painful. Each ohshit corner dwindles any faith of reaching the stop. Ohshit corners was christened by a friend in the group, describing the reactions of the climbers when they make the turn on these corners. You see, by this time we are almost, right, at the top. you can hear the temple bells at the peak, you can see the beautiful scenery. And you see a flight of steps dissapppearing around a corner into a boulder and you think that's the top. You reach there with new found motivation. turn. 20 more steps await you. OH SHIT.
Believe me you, there are about 10,15 of such corners right at the top. It's painfullllllll.
The last few flight of steps you actually have to drag yourself up the very steep steps by holding on the both the railings and pushing with your arms as well. atleast I had to. gah.
Somehow. I did it. I made it before the sunrise. There was no cry of joy at the top coz there was no energy left for that. I found a comfortable solitary corner by myself (my friend hadn't reached yet) and waited. The pics will explain the sheer beauty of everything that followed I guess.
The sunrise left me speechless for good half an hour as I just sat there. It was peaceful. and everything seemed to come together, one of those perfect moments. I couldn't feel the tiredness anymore. The hopeless romantic that Iam, the old me would have been wondering how wonderful it would have been to share this moment with someone close. But surprisingly I wasn't even close to thinking that. For the first time in my life I was witnessing something so romantic and fantasy like, yet I was completely happy by myself high up there in the clouds.
The climb down was really painful. I mastered a new penguin walk, but it was all worth it in the end. I would definitely go again. And now I know, one day I just might be able to achieve my dream of climbing Mt.Kilimanjaro. All smiles =) =) =)
Thursday, 22 January 2009
somewhere over a mountain.. finally!
Listening to something bittersweet..
I wish I lived next to the sea. I wish! Most of the time friends are too busy, and I live too far away from any decent beach to travel there by myself and come back at a decent hour (as declared by the mater) alone. The coming sunday had a plan, but I am not sure whether that's gonna work out now.
Onto better things, I am climbing sri pada/adam's peak tomorrow night!!! With one good friend and her office mates - a bunch of people I have never met! Can't be that bad yea?, even though a friend who came over to my place today raised one eyebrow at the mention of the workplace of the afore mentioned bunch of people and related a few interesting stories about the reputation of this certain office.
pffshh, We are going in a hired bus helllloo, what can happen in a bus?
And he started to inform me kindly what could happen, before I asked him to shutup like a goodboy. So yea, little did I know this place is thaaaat notorius!
NOO.
Saturday morning, I will be a happychild watching a pretty sunrise while sipping a hot hot sugary tea with the cold mountain air freezing my poor ass. =)
And the artsy-fartsy in me hasn't had a proper outing in awhile now, so the cam will be put to good use.. hopefully.
For Record - Alcohol-free for two weeks (despite having a stash close-by) and having a lot of caffeine for a change. Should I say yay?
p.s. -
While on the phone with another (very religious) friend who climbed the afore-mentioned mountain..
she- don't take food with meat okay?
me-ohhh, okaay. I didn't know.
pause
me- how about alcohol?
I almost almost said that, before mentally kicking myself! Maybe I should have, just to amuse myself.
I wish I lived next to the sea. I wish! Most of the time friends are too busy, and I live too far away from any decent beach to travel there by myself and come back at a decent hour (as declared by the mater) alone. The coming sunday had a plan, but I am not sure whether that's gonna work out now.
Onto better things, I am climbing sri pada/adam's peak tomorrow night!!! With one good friend and her office mates - a bunch of people I have never met! Can't be that bad yea?, even though a friend who came over to my place today raised one eyebrow at the mention of the workplace of the afore mentioned bunch of people and related a few interesting stories about the reputation of this certain office.
pffshh, We are going in a hired bus helllloo, what can happen in a bus?
And he started to inform me kindly what could happen, before I asked him to shutup like a goodboy. So yea, little did I know this place is thaaaat notorius!
NOO.
Saturday morning, I will be a happychild watching a pretty sunrise while sipping a hot hot sugary tea with the cold mountain air freezing my poor ass. =)
And the artsy-fartsy in me hasn't had a proper outing in awhile now, so the cam will be put to good use.. hopefully.
For Record - Alcohol-free for two weeks (despite having a stash close-by) and having a lot of caffeine for a change. Should I say yay?
p.s. -
While on the phone with another (very religious) friend who climbed the afore-mentioned mountain..
she- don't take food with meat okay?
me-ohhh, okaay. I didn't know.
pause
me- how about alcohol?
I almost almost said that, before mentally kicking myself! Maybe I should have, just to amuse myself.
Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing & Charm School
I didn't see it coming, but I should have..
I don't know, maybe I didn't want it.Maybe I was jusst too scared.. just too weak..
-Don't blame yourself.. Anger is one thing, but guilt is..a worthless emotion.
It's not the guilt. It's the emptiness..
-Emptiness?
I feel like I'm drifting. In an endless monotonous ocean. All my thoughts just blended together like water.. no form, definition, no beginning no end.. Loss. Loneliness.
You see the whole world just.. slipping away.. and you can't do anything about it.
-Or you don't. You know what you should do.
-Your mind screws with you, and you wind up doing the wrong thing. Or nothing at all.
-It's always a total mess.
Maybe next time.
-Next time? Is there ever a next time?
I hope so.
------
this blog is starting to sound very depressive, which shouldn't be so, since I am not thaaat. Yet, at the risk of sounding more n more like an emo I still wanted to quote this film.
I don't know, maybe I didn't want it.Maybe I was jusst too scared.. just too weak..
-Don't blame yourself.. Anger is one thing, but guilt is..a worthless emotion.
It's not the guilt. It's the emptiness..
-Emptiness?
I feel like I'm drifting. In an endless monotonous ocean. All my thoughts just blended together like water.. no form, definition, no beginning no end.. Loss. Loneliness.
You see the whole world just.. slipping away.. and you can't do anything about it.
-Or you don't. You know what you should do.
-Your mind screws with you, and you wind up doing the wrong thing. Or nothing at all.
-It's always a total mess.
Maybe next time.
-Next time? Is there ever a next time?
I hope so.
------
this blog is starting to sound very depressive, which shouldn't be so, since I am not thaaat. Yet, at the risk of sounding more n more like an emo I still wanted to quote this film.
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